Stole this from Grace. It's been almost seven months, yet I can feel it like it was yesterday. Words can't explain how much I miss them.

“Homesickness is… absolutely nothing. Fifty percent of the people in the world are homesick all the time. You don’t really long for another country. You long for something in yourself that you don’t have, or haven’t been able to find.”

Sometimes I can still picture my entire route to school. I wake up, and can picture my old room, the sound my door used to make, the flushing of the toilet. How I used to take the elevator from the apartment to the first floor. Walking to the bus stop, where I would see faces but never talk to them because I was too into my American music; listen to music and the day would go by faster. Remember the 4 minute bus ride, even feel the curves on the thin windy road. Walking down the stairs only to go back up another flight to get in-between the tracks. Piling onto the train to go to school, avoiding eye contact because listening to music was easier then trying to have a coherent conversation in french. I can still see the shops as I pass them, each step bringing me to a glass building on a ledge; my own hell. Get through school, and you can see your exchangies. Get through first block, then you can skip the rest. Wait. Why am I going to school? Turn around. Back to the train station to get on a train going anywhere, with The Best because she hated school too. Stolen GAs. Coffee shops. Paying for hot chocolate with only change. Monocos. Bread and cheese lunches, because we were poor. Bitch dialing The Young One because she always called back. 80cents.

Music, French, Trains, Exchangies. The perfect combination for freedom.

la fin

Celebrating the 4th of July in Lucerne with other exchangies

Coming home from the 4th

Grace is legitimately the only reason I've survived this year. I would have been so lost without her.

All of a sudden the countdown went from months to weeks to days and now suddenly we're using hours. 24 hours and I'll be on a plane headed for america. A year ago when I was down to the hour countdown leaving for Switzerland I was a mess. Ask anyone who saw me, I cried for about 3 days straight. So far this departure has shockingly been easier, because this time I know exactly what will be waiting for me when I step off that plane, but at the same time, I don't think it's fully hit me that I'm about to leave everything behind. I can guarantee that I will not be a good sight at the airport tomorrow morning. Grace and I are taking the 5.30am train to the Zurich airport with Mylisha, Meredith and Whitney for company and then we'll meet up with the other AFSers from America who we haven't seen since August and we'll be on our way.

I don't even know how to express how amazing and beneficial this year has been. When I boarded the plane back in August I did not want to come here at all. I was just waiting for my parents to tell me that it's okay if I changed my mind and I could come home. But that phone call never came and I had to face the fact that I was definitely here for a year. My first few weeks here were the hardest weeks I've ever experienced, despite the support of my host family and my new friends, I still wanted to leave this foreign life. Then after months of struggling I suddenly realized that I was happy here. Suddenly french didn't stress me out anymore, I didn't feel awkward living with a family that wasn't mine. I knew the bus and train schedules and had finally stopped getting lost everywhere I went. The feeling can't be described, it's just something you have to experience, but for the first time in my life I felt as if I was actually living. I wasn't just taking up space on the planet, I was doing something. I've hiked endless mountains, touched snow in June, spontaneously hopped on a boat and went to France, traveled to England, Ireland, Netherlands, Italy, Liechtenstein, Turkey and Spain, spent days aimlessly riding trains across the country, met some of the most amazing people I've ever had the fortune of stumbling across, and most importantly I've learned so much about myself this year. I think I've changed a lot this year, I've grown up and realized what I want in life, and I know that every single crappy situation that I went through this year only made me stronger in the long run. I've survived an entire year in a foreign country without knowing a soul when I arrived. If I can survive that, I'm pretty positive I can take anything else life hands my way. So now all I have to say is thank you. Even though I was time zones away, I always had a solid support system in america, and in all honesty, I wasn't really expecting that. But all year long I got messages and letters from my parents, sister, cousins, neighbors and friends. And even just a small email made the world to me, so thank you to all the people that sent little words of encouragement throughout the year. Words can't describe how ecstatic I am to finally be back home, but if you ever see me looking a little lost, please remember that I've just lost everything that has been close to me for the past year. I'm about to leave behind an entire world in order to go back to my old one. I promise I'm excited to finally be back, but it's still bittersweet. I've never had to say goodbye to somebody not knowing if I'll ever see them again. So excuse me if for a while I look a little out of place, I'll just be trying to get back on my feet.

stress

I'm having flashbacks to 11 months ago when I packed up my life to move to Switzerland. But when I did that last summer I had the option of leaving things behind and returning to it in a year. But now I have to fit everything into 2 suitcases, and anything left behind means I'll never see it again. There's not enough room, there's too much weight and I have way too much stuff. I've been really good about getting rid of stuff, but it's still so stressful. I'm worried that the scales at the airport will be different and my bags will suddenly be overweight. I'm worried that they won't qualify my massive bag as a carry-on item. I just want to shove my one way ticket to america in their face just to prove that I'm not coming back and beg for some leeway.

But minus the stresses of packing, I've really been enjoying these past few weeks! I've gone peddle boating in lausanne and swam in the lake. I went boating on lake zurich and went tubing for the first time since last summer. I've been spending my days laying out in the sun, swimming in our pool and relaxing in the park. I feel like right now we're just in an awkward in between zone. We know the end is coming, but we still have to act normal. I've accepted the fact that I'm leaving behind this marvelous life, and I'm actually getting really excited to go home, but I almost wish it would come sooner (although 4 days is pretty soon.) I just hate waiting.

July

someone please explain to me why time has moved so quickly. I still remember my very first day in Switzerland, when I was exhausted and homesick, but I had to sit through a lunch with the entire family. It was all in french and I didn't understand a single word. I remember waking up one week into my exchange thinking "one week down, only 45 to go." For weeks I would only dream about Bay Village and would wake up thinking I had never left. Well here I am 45 weeks later voluntarily going to family lunches because I love joking around with my cousins. I dream in french almost every single night and I'm just happy to be alive. Happy to be in this world that I built completely by myself. It's not that I don't want to go back to America, because believe me, I do. I miss ceiling fans, garbage disposals, screens on windows, taco bell, driving, and obviously my friends and family. But in order to get all of that stuff back I'll have to leave everything I've gained from this year behind. I know where the silverware drawer is, I know the sound of the kitchen door squeaking open, I know every single bus and train time for Fribourg, I have my favorite types of bread and cheese and have picnics in the park. It's the small things that make me realize how comfortable I've become here and how much I'm going to lose once I leave. It's so unfair that you always have to lose something in order to gain something new.

I'm slowly starting to get all of my stuff together. I'm not exactly packing yet, I refuse to take out my suitcase, but I'm trying to organize my life a little bit. I've been throwing out papers all week, stupid stuff from school, random lists I don't need anymore, clothes that no longer fit, empty bottles that I thought I wanted to save and the list goes on and on. This is definitely a challenging task, but I feel like it's also rather beneficial to see exactly what I consider important in my life. yes, I love saving small souvenirs of my life such as receipts and magazine pictures or stolen shot glasses. But is it really essential? Is it really worth the space and weight that it will take up in my suitcase? I feel like once a year I should try to fit my entire life into a suitcase, that way I can get rid of all the stupid stuff I think I need but really don't.

Right before I left for Switzerland I found out my mom would be moving to a new house while I would be here, so I took the time to pack up my entire room into cardboard boxes to get sent to the new house. I think I had 7 boxes sitting in my room when I left for Switzerland, 7 boxes worth of stuff that I consider to be extremely important in my life. But I've lived without that stuff for an entire year, and I can't stop wondering what is inside of those boxes. I know I have a lot of books and scrapbooks, but what else did I think was necessary to save? Unpacking those boxes and getting settled into my new room will definitely make my return more stressful, but I'm actually slightly excited to unpack each box and see if I still consider everything to be as essential as I did before.

deux semaines

I keep having nightmares that wake me up in the middle of the night. I dream that I can't remember how to drive a car, that I don't recognize my best friends, that I get lost trying to get home, that I can't remember how to speak english. I know that none of that is going to happen, but worries of returning are always in the back of my mind. I can't turn off my brain. It's not fair that all of this has to end in two weeks. I've worked so hard to get here, to be happy, to make friends and speak french. Leaving the US was without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever done, and it's still hard to think about my last days there. But I think leaving Switzerland will somehow be even harder. When I left the US I knew that in 11 months I would be returning to everything there. But Switzerland is a different story. I know I will be back someday, but what's Switzerland without my fellow frenchies? The other exchange students here are the ones who kept me going when I was sad. They're the only ones who really understand my feelings and struggles, and they're the only one's who can rejoice in my success and truly know what it means. But now they're all going back to their homes spread throughout the world too, and I know Switzerland will be losing a lot of valuable people the day they leave. I know coming back to Switzerland will make me so happy, but it will lose a lot of it's magic without the other exchange students. Because of that, I believe leaving Switzerland might be the hardest thing I'll ever have to do. Harder than leaving Bay Village and harder than my first couple of months here, because it's like losing a part of me. Switzerland has been my life for the past 11 months and I have fallen in love with the country. But next time I come back the important aspects of the country will be gone, and I don't think it can ever fully return to it's whole self. So of course I'm excited to go back home, but I'm heartbroken to leave behind the world that was formed here. Is it even possible to leave behind a home, yet return home at the same time?

Ironique

About 2 weeks before my departure for Switzerland, I changed my mind. I didn't want to come here, I didn't want to leave my friends and family behind. I had a marvelous life and spent my days with amazing people.

Now, about 2 weeks before my departure for America, I've changed my mind. I don't want to leave. I don't want to go back to the small bubble of Bay Village. I've got amazing friends who've kept me alive and an even more amazing family who've shown me how wonderful Switzerland is.

Kind of ironic, isn't it?

Sometimes I don't even know what I'm supposed to be feeling. At times all I want to do is leave this place, because I promise, I honestly do miss my friends and family. But then I think of how small my life was before Switzerland. I've been with the same people since I was born and it's been so nice to get away. I've figured out who I am here, and I've become so much more honest with myself and others. I'm surrounded by culture and I'm with people from all over the world. I have the entire country of Switzerland to explore, I take trains almost everyday, just trying to discover a new part of the country. Today I went to France by boat, wanna know why? Because I can! I have so much freedom here, and then I start to think about going home... I have to find a job, I have to start college, I have to study and work hard to become successful. I'm already stressed just thinking about it, a to-do list has already been forming in my head for weeks. So why leave a place where I have no stress and am completely comfortable? Because I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss boating on Lake Erie and eating Taco Bell at 2am. I miss aimlessly driving around and blasting my music. I just hope that when everything else returns to normal, I can still remember everything I learned this year.

Time for another photo update!

My host family in Barcelona! We rented bikes for an afternoon and cruised around the city.

My host sister Pauline and I while waiting in line for the cathedral.

Epitome of my family. Maxime, Guillaume, Me and Pauline

The beach in Barcelona!

Parc Güell

Barcelona was amazing and it was really fun to take a trip with my host family, but it was still good to get back to Switzerland.

This week my friend Kelsey came to visit me! She's from Bay Village but is studying in Florence for 6 weeks. So she came up to Switzerland for the weekend.

We took an afternoon to go see the Castle of Chillon with Mylisha and her cousin April who is also visiting Fribourg.

Lac Léman

With Mylisha at the castle

Just doing some interpretive dancing

On another note, I have to leave Switzerland in 19 days. What? I'm pretty sure I'm not okay with that. And it doesn't really help that my host mom brings it up practically every single day, making sure that I don't overpack, talking about train times and plans for the last week here. But don't worry, I told my host sister that I'm just going to stay here and she didn't have a problem with it. Although I am looking forward to seeing the midnight premier of Harry Potter in Bay Village, so I guess that means I'll have to leave...

Hola, cómo estás?

Long story short, Barcelona was amazing! I forgot how much I love the ocean and napping on the beach. Spanish people are awesome and Spain is so much more relaxed than Switzerland. But it was still a relief to come home. I prefer trains instead of taxis, mountains instead of the beach (well actually, that might be a tie) and in general, Switzerland is a lot cleaner than the rest of Europe. I'll post some pictures once I've got them on my computer.

On another note, my ankle is healing quite nicely, but sadly I've gotten terribly sick. I've got a nice combo of a runny nose, a cough and some congestion/headache situation going on. It's like a mix between a cold and allergies. So much fun. and ladies and gentleman, karma has taught me my lesson: I've been skipping way too much school to go exploring, so now when i'm actually sick and could use a day off, I have to go to school. great. But it's okay because my host sister Pauline has been making me this magical tea that is super yummy, so hopefully all will be well soon!

I come home exactly one month from today. But I'll save the freakout for another time.

merde...

Once upon a time I thought it would be smart to go running in the forest. I tripped and fell over a root and sort of killed my ankle. So now my foot is the size of a balloon and I have a very lovely bruise on my ankle.

but it's fine, because I'M GOING TO BARCELONA TOMORROW!

adios switzerland!

it's still good

Spent the day visiting the Castle of Chillon with Mylisha and Grace, yet another perfect day in the Swiss sun.

Paradise.

After dinner the weather dropped from 80 to 60 as an enormous thunderstorm rolled in. I'm spending the evening sitting on my windowsill watching the lightening and letting Andrea Gibson serenade me with her poetry. If you've never heard of her, go watch her other videos on youtube :)

"You never really stop missing someone, you just learn to live around the huge gaping hole of their absence."

No other quote has been more true. I know I'm happy here, and I've lived without the aspects of my american life for over 9 months. I could see myself staying here forever. But then all of a sudden I think of tiny little things from Bay, and they make my heart ache all over again. That's the one thing nobody ever warned me about. Homesickness literally hurts. It creates an aching pain that is indescribable. And it never really goes away, you just get used to the feeling, you get used to the loss inside of you. But then you start thinking of the things that cause you pain, and the feeling starts all over again. For one thing, my dog. I'm so used to the stupid cats my family has, and sometimes I pretend to get along with them. But then I think of how excited Buddy always is when I come home, and I miss him all over again. I miss driving my car and blasting music as loud as possible. I'm comfortable here with my family, but i'm always a little bit more reserved around them. In Bay I will fill the house with music and dance around in my pajamas, i haven't done that in ages. I miss the lake so much. I miss boating and tubing and watching thunderstorms over the water. I miss the small things, free refills, ice machines in the freezer, screens on the window so bugs don't get in. And needless to say, I miss my friends. It's hard to stay in contact with people living in a completely different world, but there are people who have stuck with me this whole time, and they are the ones who I'm excited to go home to. So yeah, for the most part I'm doing alright, I'm happy I've built my life here, but then I think of everything I get to go home to, and I get so excited. But then it hits me that going back to my old life means saying goodbye to my new life. My ears will no longer be filled with the beautiful french language and I will no longer see the stunning mountains everyday when I wake up. I won't get to ride trains and most importantly, I won't be surrounded by the people who have kept me alive this year. My friends have kept me sane when I was barely hanging on, and they know me better than I know myself. If it were up to me, I would go home for the summer, spend some time in Bay Village, and then I would come back here. But unfortunately responsibilities await me back home, and I can't spend my whole life running away from them.

Photo Update

We have a cathedral in the center of Fribourg that you can climb and view the town, so I went up with my dad and Whitney during his visit. This is a marvelous view of my current home.

Went to Interlaken for an afternoon with my dad and Whitney to do some canyoning! You literally swim, repel and jump down the river. It was really fun, although I did get a few bruises!

The pre-alps

View from Fribourg's mountain the Moléson.

Took a quick day trip to Interlaken last week with Mylisha and Meredith. It was storming the entire time, but absolutely gorgeous.

These are 5 reasons why I don't want to leave this beautiful country.

la vie est parfait.

you know when you have one of those moments where everything is just perfect? well I'm having one of those right now. My dearest father is visiting from america and he is spending 2 days living with me and my host family. Tonight I sat outside with my real dad and my host parents and we just talked for 3 hours about everything. We had english, french and franglais going all at the same time. I would talk to my host mom in french about my dad and he wouldn't even realize that we were talking about him. and then my host dad would think that I wasn't listening and he would tell my dad that I'm a member of their family and he considers me to be a daughter now. My host parents raved about me, telling my dad that I'm such an easy person to live with, I'll eat whatever, I follow the rules bla bla bla. I fought with my host dad over who got to have power over the tv for the night. I discussed with my host mom what I should do with my dad tomorrow while visiting Fribourg. At the end of the night my dad told me how proud he was that I could speak french with no problems. and he was even more impressed by my relationship with my family here. I joke around with everyone and argue over the stupidest this, but we have fun. They are my family. They've kept me alive for 9 months, and I can't even begin to express how much they've done for me. Every day I get to wake up in a beautiful house with a gorgeous view of the mountains. I speak french all day and come home to an amazing family. and sometimes I take it for granted, I forget how good I've got it. Sometimes it takes an outsiders point of view to realize how lucky I got.

unfair

I joined a choir at the beginning of the year that has about 12 people in it. Last month we had a free concert and people could donate if they wanted to. The money that we collected we've decided to use to have a fun little outing with the 12 of us and just have a nice day in the sun exploring Switzerland. We've been trying to find a good weekend to go on an adventure, but it's hard to combine all of our schedules, so someone suggested we wait until summer. and then one girl turned to me and said "Mais nous devons le faire avant nous perdions Michelle!" (We have to do it before we lose Michelle) and then I got super duper sad and everyone else kept asking me when I was leaving and once again I had to say the horrible date out loud. People talk so easily about the future, what choir will be like, what school will be like, summer plans. And then I just quietly slip away and attempt to ignore the fact that I can't be apart of those plans, because I will no longer be apart of Switzerland.

Lausanne

It suddenly hit me that I don't have too many weekends left to explore Switzerland, so I've been doing my best to get out to a different part of the country each weekend! But somehow I always end up near Lausanne, because it's by far the prettiest area in Switzerland.

On Lac Léman in Lausanne (my favorite area)

Once again on Lac Léman with Mylisha and Whitney

View from the train as it enters into Lausanne. The Lavaux region is a UNESCO World Heritage Site because of it's numerous vineyards

Whitney and I found a carnival in Lausanne last week, what a pleasant surprise!

Went to Zurich with Whitney and Kelly. We went to the Freitag store where you can climb to the roof of the building and overlook Zurich. It's right by the train station, so you mainly just see all the tracks surrounding you.

Mylisha is another exchangie in Fribourg who comes from San Francisco and last week her mom and aunt visited her for a few days. Her aunt is also going to be hosting my host brother Maxime next year, so Mylisha came over to my house with her family so we could talk a bit. When Max wasn't with us Mylisha's aunt asked what Max was really like and all of a sudden I just listed off a bunch of tiny little things. The fact that he won't eat food if it was anywhere near shrimp, he claims to eat olives but secretly picks them out of his food, he'll only eat salad if he's forced to do so, and he would eat Reese's all day if he could. Every question she asked I was capable of answering, whether it came to hobbies or school or just general household stuff. Sylvie (my host mom) just kind of looked at me and said "I guess you guys really are brother and sister now." and it's so true. We fight over everything, like who gets to sit in the front seat or who gets the last piece of bread, he steals my ipod and will raid my room in search of american gum and reese's (they don't sell them in switzerland) It's the small things like that that I'm going to miss. The little details that you don't even realize you know until someone asks.

In Lugano with Maxime and Guillaume

FREITAG!

Proudly showing off my latest purchase, a Freitag bag. They're a marvelous swiss invention, because they're both practical and economically conscious! The entire bag is made from recycled products, the bag is a tarp from a truck, the strap is a seatbelt and the lining is bicycle tires. These things are all over Switzerland and probably about half the people in my school owns one. The sad part is that they're rather expensive, which is why it took me so long to buy one, but I know i'll use it everyday and it comes with a lifetime guarantee! Each one is cut by hand from it's own tarp, so every single Freitag is different. I convinced Grace to buy one too, so now we feel super cool when we walk around in town proudly wearing our Freitags :)

The difference

While watching Wheel of Fortune in America you focus on the game and the final result. Pat is personable, but doesn't over do it. Vanna White keeps it classy while wearing her stunning floor length gowns.

While watching the french version of Wheel of Fortune the host flirts with the girls and the audience. Meanwhile the letter turner is wearing a dress so short not much is left for the imagination. She flirts with the guys and blows kisses at the camera.

That basically is the epitome of the difference between europe and america.

time

I told myself that I can start panicking about lack of time once these events occurred:

1. Rotary kids moved onto their last host families (they get 3 for the entire year and switch every 4 months)

2. My dad comes to Switzerland

3. My host sister comes home from her exchange in Malta

4. My real sister finishes her exchange in France

Here's the problem. Rotary kids have already started to switch to their last families. My dad is coming to Switzerland in 3 weeks. My host sister is coming home right around the same time my dad will get here. And my sister goes home in 1 month.

I have 68 more days in this beautiful country. 68 more days to be with my best friends and my family, 68 more days to speak and listen to french everyday. Everyone told me how hard an exchange year would be. I was prepared for the homesickness, the language barrier, the unfamiliarity of it all. But no one warned me how hard it would be to leave. And it scares me that it's still 10 weeks away and i'm already panicking about it. It's 1am and I have to be awake in 5 hours for school, but I can't shut my brain off. I can't stop thinking about what the month of July will bring for me. How am I supposed to completely leave this life I've built?